Growing Pains.

I spoke to a friend about this constant loss of friendship in my life, and how deeply it has hurt and traumatised me. He said it’s a fact of life.

Mistakes are costly, not just for the one who makes them either; there can, and typically is, collateral. 

I have indulged so much avoidant behaviour out of a desire to not be a nuisance. I did not consider myself hyper-independent until recently, because hyper-independent people, to me, get shit done. For me, if I couldn’t do it myself, I’d rather leave the situation as is. Healthy? Of course not. But of what value are my attempts at self-awareness?

I have come to realize that life is inherently a mistake making course. There will be damage, some fixable, some permanent. It is taking me a while to accept this. I am torn between making mistakes to a point that I can have faith in my skillset, and trying to avoid making mistakes to reduce the strain I am on my loved ones and everyone around me. It doesn’t help, it never has, I still cost a lot more than I could ever repay in any capacity. This too, causes me distress.

The covert suicidal ideation that inspired this blog post have been done away with through the power of Friendship (King, Pandemonium, I love you). I call it covert because it showed up in a new form that I did not fully recognise. I went from picturing my last day and the attempt, to looking forward to dangerous and fatal situations, but never creating them myself. So I had a harder time recognising that I still don’t want to be here, I still want to die.

I have come to believe that my very being is opposed to living; I have hurt without intending to hurt, I have erred without intending to err, I avoid everything that signifies growth to avoid making mistakes (not very wise, I am aware) and burdening my loved ones. 

Regardless, I live.