I’ve put this off for long enough.

I’m still conscious of the fact that I may have worried people with my suicidal tendencies. I’m honoured you care for me (or, simply for human life) this much. I’m still here, oscillating between “I can do this” and “I really don’t want to be here”, but I am here all the same.

I almost didn’t make it to 2026, and if the 23rd hadn’t turned out the way it did, I wouldn’t have. I wanted to die, or so I thought. But I didn’t get the “conditions” I predicated, which I actually found amusing. It’s been both a beautiful and miserable Christmas. I have attained joy in some areas, and anxiety in others. And though it has not felt like it, I am growing.

Spending New Year’s Day opening up to my mum about being suicidal was a very shitty start to the year, and I’m hoping I can make enough progress not to repeat that again.

I’m back in therapy, and I feel as though I’ve made some progress. As always (yay CPTSD) I don’t know how long my joy will last, and I don’t know how long I can be stable at work. But thankfully, for now, I am.

I received a lot of well-intentioned advice from a spiritual angle I am estranged from, and I am grateful. While it has done nothing for my estrangement, it has at least encouraged me to question why I want to die. To say what I actually mean. I want to die because I feel there is no escape for the situation I am currently in. I feel as though I have no control. I am tired and want to be allowed to slow down. I don’t like how certain interactions go in the workplace.

Always question why you want to die. That is, if it’s practical, and not abstract.

I decided to listen to my mum and watch some more positive media as well. I listened to a comedian talk about how he got into street pharmaceuticals, and how there was no “Crack HR” to report to, or to be trained by, and how he kept messing up until he figured it out, and I found it comforting that cluelessness is a part of life. It’s okay to not know what you’re doing in the beginning, the answer isn’t to remove yourself from the situation (to be fair life would be a lot easier if the world endeavored to be kinder and more patient, but we want everything in 30 seconds or less). It’s to continue. So, for now, even while I question my career path, I shall continue.

Happy New Year everyone. I hope 2026 is kind to the World.