Regardless I live...?

Trigger warning for mentions of suicide and suicidal ideation.

I really hate how immobilising depression can be. And I see how anyone on the outside looking at you can describe you simply as lazy, childish, etc. I want to work, I want to be productive, I want to function, but moving is hard. Moving is hard. Moving is hard. How do I explain this to anyone without sounding immature? I did something I am not proud of today, and I want to take steps to make sure I do not resort to doing this again. But I don’t know where to start. I do not want to be met with “this is how it is, you just have to learn to be tough”, because I don’t know how it happened for everyone else and still hasn’t happened for me. I’ve experienced my fair share of bullying, emotional neglect, and trauma, and nothing about those situations made me resilient in any way. If you beat me, I will simply cry. If you call me names, I will remember on my deathbed. If you are not kind with your words I will not yield. If you are kind with your words, my brain will find ways to hurt me for you. It’s a lovely place to be in, truly. Nothing has ever truly been water off a duck’s back for me, and I do not think it ever will be. The best I can simply do, is find kind environments, instead of buying into the idea that they are scarce or do not exist. I feel my ability to reason dipping slightly, as I am prepared to throw myself out to the dogs in two, no; three ways. Two are a part of life, and albeit risky, can yield. The third, is the reason for the trigger warning.

Suicide has never felt as feasible to me as it has in recent times. There’s a very easy way to go, right out my office window, but thankfully, I am afraid of heights. But I watched Squid Games and found a way around it. I can go with my back first. Or, I could buy a great deal of sleeping pills and go to bed one last time. I have daydreamed about my workplace catching fire and informing my colleagues that I will not be evacuating, quickly drafting a farewell note, and waiting to pass away. These are not healthy thoughts to have, I know this much. What I do not know, is how much of my sanity remains. I ought to talk to someone, but I do not know where to begin.