Regardless, I live.

My last post was dark, and observers are worried. I apologise for worrying you all like that. But I also want to thank you for caring. 

I spent this weekend fighting suicidal urges. On the outside I was the reckless, unhinged child that does not exercise moderation, on the inside, I was, and am, an adult dreading a new week in a space she does not want to be in. As of Sunday, I truly did not want to be alive, so I prayed. I asked for my burden to be lightened, and I asked for strength. While I am not weightless, and while my will to live might be on the end of a poorly made remark, I can at least do tomorrow. I can do Monday.

I stopped being intentional about planning my days, I stopped trying to be productive, sadness consumed like the creeping darkness it is. I knew what I needed to do to at least make the suffering bearable, and I didn’t even want to do that. The desire to become an ancestor on my own terms has not fully left me, it sits in the corner, waiting for warmth and community I gratefully partook in to “wear off” as the week progresses, until I remember that I was prepared to face my fear of heights so I could end it all. There is a thin line between where I am and where I was, and all I can do is simply hold on, and expect better. In spite of these desires, the self destructiveness, the desire to throw my life into upheaval and pick up what remains, I live. 

In spite of all this, I live.

Thanks to my friends, I live.

Thanks to the seen and unseen spirits, I live.

Let’s see how the week goes.

(Sidenote; I performed for an audience for the first time as an adult on Saturday, 13th December, 2025. There is more to come, and I’m glad I did it. You wouldn’t have guessed from this post, but the night has stars.)