So I took my meds yesterday...

My Favourite thing to do is reiterate that I do not care. I’ll say it off handedly at any situation that causes me distress. I care deeply. To depths that are baffling, even in situations where I was little more than a thought.

I cannot act as though I do not know the origins of this. Nonchalance is power. To engage in any depth of relation, and come back… unbothered, is seen as power. And as an indigene of this planet, I have tried to adjust. But that’s not me.

I took my meds yesterday. Initially I thought I had wasted 200 cedis only to be diagnosed with hysteria. That, and, for all the years I spent anxious, including the periods of time so bad that I was nauseous every evening, being medicated at this point is so underwhelming it’s eye-roll worthy. Irritating even. So I wasn’t going to take them.

Then shit hit the fan. 

That’s an inaccurate use of the saying; the entire room is septic, and shit has been flying for years. But I have new, immediate and urgent goals. I need at least one aspect of my life to give way, because I am spilling over.

I took my meds yesterday, for the first time ever, and I don’t know what to expect. I felt like I was being wrung as a wet towel, but now, I am at peace. I do not know if the source of my peace is the progress I made with my plans since writing the last paragraph, or if the medication is taking effect. We are yet to see.