Welcome back, April Nita.

More and more, as I try to feel, scream, sing, express, and document, I encounter frustration after frustration. I find myself in the throes of hopelessness, convinced there is something wrong with me. Convinced that, I need to fix myself to break through and be successful, break through and feel... normal.

A lot of my recent emotion has been anger. Anger, and exhaustion. Exhaustion is not an emotion but for fuck's sake, i am tired. And I'm at that point again where i do not want to do anything. I feel there's enough hurt in my soul that i can make art with it, but nothing so far. I have beats, I have illustrator, but nothing comes. I feel more and more soulless everyday. I feel like a cog in the machine, like I am repeating trends that humanity is all too familiar with, and I loathe it, with my life. Who cares if a National Service Personnel doesn't greet you? Choke on your bloody ego and get over yourself. Stop being so fucking stuffy, or, for the meantime, at least have an off-switch. You're in a space where everyone is out for blood. Someone to soothe their ego through submission. Someone they can 'reprimand' with vitriol without repurcussion. I grow more and more tired everyday, but, I also grow less suicidal. I suppose money indeed buys happiness.

I made this blog as an assignment and shut my eyes. I did not intend to do anything more with it, especially now that I am done with school. But I need somewhere to scream. I want my thoughts out of my head and on paper... so to speak. I hate a lot of how my life is now and I cannot wait for change. And it will come. I want my soul back. I don't like where I am.

(Bonus points for finding out that Wix will use my content to train AI. I will not be posting my images any longer.)